In some words...
artist, anthropoloca, astrologer
the borderlands brujx
la alchemistx alena
a type one diabetic, a survivor of many things, born, raised, & based in the lands known as "el paso tejas"
It’s honestly very hard to talk about myself, my life, my experiences & really my reality.
The weight of being diabetic & even more so the weight of how I’m treated by other real life human beings.
The tension that fills the air. The awkwardness. The pity. The questioning. The shaming. The humiliation. The accusing. The heartbreak.
When I was a child doctors, nurses, real professional adults, people, told me, screamed at me, & ultimately convinced me that I wouldn’t live past 18, 21 if I was lucky & managed my diabetes well enough.
When I saw my tias & grandma after I was diagnosed, they told me to always listen to my body & how I feel. I often wonder if they knew what they were doing when they said that.
I was already very quiet & to myself & I think maybe this amplified it all for me. My time since then has been very blurry. Filled with many gaps in my memory. Overflowing with the feeling of pain & heartbreak & grief.
March ~ 17 years & countless numbers & tests & tears & feeling & listening & ignoring & trying & almost dying.
I feel waves of shame, embarrassment, & nervousness about talking / writing about this every time & often delete it quickly after posting. It’s intense & often the responses feel forced, from a place of misunderstanding, or even meaningless.
So why do I keep sharing? Not only about being a type one diabetic but also, being disabled, queer, latinx(e), a survivor, a loca, la alchemistx alena, & the borderlands brujx. Yes, borderlands because I’m from “El Paso” but also because of living in the borderlands of life & death with my diabetes & its “complications”.
It’s who I am. It’s what my life has been like whether I like that or not. It’s what I have experienced in my body as someone who has been feeling everything diligently & incredibly thoughtfully for 17 years.
In these 17 years I’ve learned that nothing good comes from keeping quiet about it. Whatever it is. Nothing good ever comes out of ignoring my bodies needs. Nothing good ever comes out of ignoring what my body communicates. Listening to my body instead of my doctors saves my life over & over & over again.
Similarly, nothing good ever came out of being quiet about the abuse, or the neglect in any area of my life. No matter how hard, I owe it to myself to try to communicate. I owe it to myself to move past the fear & the isolating silence.
I’ve learned that when I communicate & commit to breaking the silence, I am heard & understood by something & someones & find my way to the love & care I deserve more & more. Reasonably this is all very intense & emotional & that is my life & I love it.
My life is too short, so much of it already lost, the rest of it devastatingly uncertain in many ways. My life is devoted to honoring what my body communicates to me & to communicating back to my body in loving ways. I can’t be quiet, that will never fully honor me. I honor & refuse to be ashamed about my feelings & my ability to feel so intensely & this is also why my work is always so personal to me.
you're welcome to follow me on instagram @la_alchemistx_alena as another way of getting to know my digital presence, & to keep in touch casually <3 and if you don 't have instagram you're welcome to email me at InTheLandsKnownAsElPasoTejas@gmail.com